The case of the ex

by CiaE 1st January 2011, 12:48 pm

[Please dont judge me.... i feel awkward already sharing my problems with strangers but i love u ladies lol]Okay ladies i need some moral support and help. I recently broke up with my boyfriend from a 3 year relationship. Most of u ladies will say im too young and i have the rest of my life to live which is oh so true. But yes i did love this guys but unfortunately he cheated on me. He received oral from someone. Because I am Christ like i gave him another chance (and often blame myself for him doing what he did because he wasnt getting any lol). But i recently found out he hangs out with the girl who committed the deed on him. He finds nothing wrong with that and i finally let him go. BUT while reminiscing on the relationship he has never done me wrong before and nothing was every bad about our relationship. We never argued and it was almost perfect.

I am a little confused because over christmas he came (while we werent together) and brought me money for Christmas. He hasnt really tried to reunite with me because he told me he knew my mind is made up to leave him. WELL!.... Last night New Years eve, my girl and i was with his bestfriend and we needed a ride and ended up with my ex to drop us off. There wasnt much tension but for some reason his boy was really pushing that i spend time with him which was really awkward. I am not sure if his friend knows something or if he was trying to be funny.
Later that night i ended up testing him (case of the stupid girl) and told him i really wanted to spend time with him...no guys i wasnt intoxicated... i guess it was the holiday spirit.

Question:
Soooo should i just leave him alone? Or should i spend time with him? He did say he wouldnt mind hanging out..... (note: i have not yet experienced my mourning period with the relationship being done and its moving onto the 4th week wince the break up) I feel like he is so naive because he doesnt find fault in what he does until after i address it and i didnt want to play the babysitter anymore in the relationship. He told me he will always love me and still does but i admit it i am young and need guidance. Guys what should i do????

by Naturally Esq 1st January 2011, 5:25 pm

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

The more time you spend with him, his boys and his drama, the longer you delay meeting the right one.

HTH

by CiaE 1st January 2011, 5:27 pm

Naturally Esq wrote:"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

The more time you spend with him, his boys and his drama, the longer you delay meeting the right one.

HTH

Aww you are so right... But im confused with the quote... so the first time meaning the first time he messed up and lost my trust?

by Naturally Esq 1st January 2011, 6:12 pm

by Guest 1st January 2011, 11:55 pm

@CiaE.....
i'm pretty sure she wasn't the first (whoever gave him oral behind ur back) Suspect

men are gonna be men, whether u wanna take that into consideration or not....look at all the clues; they're right there in ur face~

by CiaE 2nd January 2011, 12:59 am

strawberri_slushee wrote:@CiaE.....
i'm pretty sure she wasn't the first (whoever gave him oral behind ur back) men are gonna be men, whether u wanna take that into consideration or not....look at all the clues; they're right there in ur face~

Thanks hun! You are so right =)

by LadyMika 2nd January 2011, 12:12 pm

He's your EX for a reason. Best to leave him as such and make room for someone new (and better).

by Mangos&Bananas 3rd January 2011, 6:24 am

LadyMika wrote:He's your EX for a reason. Best to leave him as such and make room for someone new (and better).

by BajanPrincess82 3rd January 2011, 3:41 pm

strawberri_slushee wrote:@CiaE.....
i'm pretty sure she wasn't the first (whoever gave him oral behind ur back) men are gonna be men, whether u wanna take that into consideration or not....look at all the clues; they're right there in ur face~

And she won't be the last! I agree with what all the ladies have said so far. Also, is this really the way you want to spend 2011...with a guy that cheated on you in 2010?

by lisa 3rd January 2011, 7:59 pm

sign another nice girl..smh,
girl be a bitch and never look back < and in this instance I am not using the word bitch to have any negative meaning> so please no one come at me with a history lesson on degrading women or w.e

I say this with good intentions mainly because dudes have no problem being a jerk when needed, If you were getting head from someone and then hung out with that person after I wonder if he would even talk to you after? I don't know him so only you can answer that question. Unless its an honest YES please keep it moving.

as you said you are young, so enjoy it, there really are allot of guys out there, and while you are young and cute its not the time to waste time with the few who are losers, get a guy who will not betray your trust, ...yes they are out there but if you waste time with dudes like ur ex , its gonna be hard to find them. and as bad as this may sound its not exactly gonna get easier finding Mr right when your wayyyyy older either, by then the good ones are already married/taken/ or prob too young for your taste lol

by CiaE 4th January 2011, 12:53 am

lisa wrote:sign another nice girl..smh,
girl be a bitch and never look back < and in this instance I am not using the word bitch to have any negative meaning> so please no one come at me with a history lesson on degrading women or w.e

I say this with good intentions mainly because dudes have no problem being a jerk when needed, If you were getting head from someone and then hung out with that person after I wonder if he would even talk to you after? I don't know him so only you can answer that question. Unless its an honest YES please keep it moving.

as you said you are young, so enjoy it, there really are allot of guys out there, and while you are young and cute its not the time to waste time with the few who are losers, get a guy who will not betray your trust, ...yes they are out there but if you waste time with dudes like ur ex , its gonna be hard to find them. and as bad as this may sound its not exactly gonna get easier finding Mr right when your wayyyyy older either, by then the good ones are already married/taken/ or prob too young for your taste lol

girl... i officially love u... straight truth
what all u ladies said was so real. Thanks so much...BUT unfortunately i am stubborn and i saw him he took me to a movie and bought me food...i am just keepin it real guys i had to tell u. But I am never seeing him again.. i guess i used him in a way and played with his his emotions which was so juvenile of me.... but i mean anything he can do i can do better but im on to the next one... thank u ladies... i just wish i wasn't so stubborn but i guess in a way it was a peace meeting, so i knew i could be in his presence without the urge of stabbing him

by Mangos&Bananas 4th January 2011, 5:36 am

@lisa lmaao at you declining a history lesson. Lol, I ain't mad atcha!

@ciaE and lmaao at you being honest with us about going out with him again.lol lol. Girl im glad you came to a conclusion though.

Whew im glad I checked back on this thread. Lol, too funny.

by CiaE 4th January 2011, 1:19 pm

Mangos&Bananas wrote:@lisa lmaao at you declining a history lesson. Lol, I ain't mad atcha!

@ciaE and lmaao at you being honest with us about going out with him again.lol lol. Girl im glad you came to a conclusion though.

Whew im glad I checked back on this thread. Lol, too funny.

lol relationships are comical at times so girl its fine. but i just had to say i love ur name... and mangos are so sweet girl! It sound like a product name lol

by mizcreativelyme 4th January 2011, 2:06 pm

to touch on the subject of 'him not getting none' I am assuming that you were keeping the goodies on lock-down. if so, you are on the right track sweetheart and I'm so glad that you didn't change what you are doing just to keep him. PLEASE don't blame yourself. God honors chaste and you will be rewarded .... trust me. when i was in my twenties, i needed to and should have taken heed to great advice. i had a stubborn heart as well and was determined to make a man do right OR stick around hoping that things would "get better," which was a waste of valuable time. either someone is for you or they are not. no one is perfect, but some things in life aren't worth the struggle/stress. matters of the heart can be a tricky thing but it's actually healthier to cut all ties and move on (easier said than done/hind site speaking). you are an attractive young woman with a bright future ahead. just keep your head on make good choices. the right person will come along that can and will appreciate you. just keep the path clear of knuckleheads so you will be ready for a good man. because one thing that you cannot get back is time, so please don't allow anyone to waste yours.

by CiaE 4th January 2011, 2:24 pm

mizcreativelyme wrote:to touch on the subject of 'him not getting none' I am assuming that you were keeping the goodies on lock-down. if so, you are on the right track sweetheart and I'm so glad that you didn't change what you are doing just to keep him. PLEASE don't blame yourself. God honors chaste and you will be rewarded .... trust me. when i was in my twenties, i needed to and should have taken heed to great advice. i had a stubborn heart as well and was determined to make a man do right OR stick around hoping that things would "get better," which was a waste of valuable time. either someone is for you or they are not. no one is perfect, but some things in life aren't worth the struggle/stress. matters of the heart can be a tricky thing but it's actually healthier to cut all ties and move on (easier said than done/hind site speaking). you are an attractive young woman with a bright future ahead. just keep your head on make good choices. the right person will come along that can and will appreciate you. just keep the path clear of knuckleheads so you will be ready for him. because one thing that you cannot get back is time, so please don't allow anyone to waste yours.

Yes i did keep them onlock but i guess reaching the three year point i was so vurnerable and was gonna give in BUT God has a way of getting his way so im assuming this is something God did so it wouldnt happen and i thank God for it.

"one thing that you cannot get back is time, so please don't allow anyone to waste yours." < that is so beautiful... i really do love u ladies. The more advice i read the more confidant and stronger i feel. Thanks guys! =) I wanna shed a tear lol

by AfricanaCurly 5th January 2011, 12:55 pm

one other important thing you can't back is your virginity...so keep it LOCK

by lisa 5th January 2011, 1:32 pm

I'm glad i was able to help, I was just brute because I'm only 21 n already I've seen so many sincerely nice girls get caught up with jerks and end up miserable in the end.
And as the above ladies said things of the heart really can be tricky, but in the end the thing you gotta keep in mind is that the world is huge and where one guy fails to love you the right way there has to be another out there who can do it better! Wish u the best of luck with everything including this love thing!

by CiaE 5th January 2011, 2:07 pm

@Africana So true mama! So true

@Lisa Yes thats true as well... and one mans lost is another mans treasure so imma keep my head up.

Love u guys =)

by Indigo.Blue 6th January 2011, 7:59 am

I don't think you should let him go...people are not perfect and I think it is terrible to just dispose of someone because they made a mistake. You clearly still love him, so maybe there is a conversation that needs to take place. Have you asked him about what he was feeling? If sex is important to him, did you talk about it with him or did you just ignore his concerns? Are you waiting for marriage before you have sex or??? If so, you were with him for 3 years, is he a contender for the husband title? You said he is a good guy, so why does he deserve to be dumped. You want the person you are with to be able to talk to you and feel comfortable. Would you want the world to turn their backs on you for every mistake you make? A little communication goes a long way...

Also, in response to everyone who called this man a jerk...what makes him a jerk? He treats her good, he decided to wait 3 + years to have sex in this oversexed culture for the girl he loves, and he was honest...

by CiaE 6th January 2011, 11:26 am

Indigo.Blue wrote:I don't think you should let him go...people are not perfect and I think it is terrible to just dispose of someone because they made a mistake. You clearly still love him, so maybe there is a conversation that needs to take place. Have you asked him about what he was feeling? If sex is important to him, did you talk about it with him or did you just ignore his concerns? Are you waiting for marriage before you have sex or??? If so, you were with him for 3 years, is he a contender for the husband title? You said he is a good guy, so why does he deserve to be dumped. You want the person you are with to be able to talk to you and feel comfortable. Would you want the world to turn their backs on you for every mistake you make? A little communication goes a long way...

Also, in response to everyone who called this man a jerk...what makes him a jerk? He treats her good, he decided to wait 3 + years to have sex in this oversexed culture for the girl he loves, and he was honest...

Well we have spoken about it...and I see your point BUT the thing that makes me confused and kills me is that he was still hanging out with the girl who did the deed.... it made me feel worthless... im just all too confused.

True communication does go along way, but actions count as a form of communicating as well and i dont know what kind of response he would have expected from me with those actions...

by Madeaj 6th January 2011, 12:13 pm

CiaE wrote:
Indigo.Blue wrote:I don't think you should let him go...people are not perfect and I think it is terrible to just dispose of someone because they made a mistake. You clearly still love him, so maybe there is a conversation that needs to take place. Have you asked him about what he was feeling? If sex is important to him, did you talk about it with him or did you just ignore his concerns? Are you waiting for marriage before you have sex or??? If so, you were with him for 3 years, is he a contender for the husband title? You said he is a good guy, so why does he deserve to be dumped. You want the person you are with to be able to talk to you and feel comfortable. Would you want the world to turn their backs on you for every mistake you make? A little communication goes a long way...

Also, in response to everyone who called this man a jerk...what makes him a jerk? He treats her good, he decided to wait 3 + years to have sex in this oversexed culture for the girl he loves, and he was honest...

Well we have spoken about it...and I see your point BUT the thing that makes me confused and kills me is that he was still hanging out with the girl who did the deed.... it made me feel worthless... im just all too confused.

True communication does go along way, but actions count as a form of communicating as well and i dont know what kind of response he would have expected from me with those actions...

He might have decided to wait to have sex with her, but did he give up sex altogether? Or just have sex with others while waiting? If he were only a friend, I would agree to give him another chance. But this is not a simple mistake, its a continued mistake. He still sees the girl he had sex with. That points to a sign of disrespect or lack of care for CiaE's feelings.

I've seen quite a few abusive relationships and keeping a person in constant confusion is part of the pattern. The abuser hurts their partner, friend, family member, whoever; physically or mentally, it doesn't matter. Then they apologise and before you know it you are apologising for doubting their sincerity. Each time it happens, the person is probably sincerely sorry for making a mistake, and its really a mistake. They have no intention of hurting you again. But it always happens again and again.
"I'm sorry, you're over reacting" etc. Then come the accusations of fault. "If you had a done this, then I wouldn't have made a mistake!"

CiaE, if he makes you feel bad, then listen to your instincts and stay away from him. There are plenty of men who will cherish you, respect your feelings and love you. Yes people do make mistakes and some are horrible, but I think if he really concerned himself with what you are feeling, he would not continue to have a personal relationship with a woman he had sex with. It wasn't an accident for the woman or she wouldn't still be hanging out with him, she is looking for a relationship with him and just waiting for her next chance.

Finally, if you do decide to stay with him. I suggest some kind of couple's counselling. Why? Because you are couple who have been together for 3 years. That is a commitment and it doesn't matter if you didn't have a sexual relationship. A mediator can help you both communicate better and maybe he really doesn't understand how you feel about this other woman or his having sex outside the relationship.

by aggiegem 6th January 2011, 12:24 pm

Actions speak louder than words. If it really was a moment of weakness on his part and he wanted to move on and start anew, so to speak, this female would definitely NOT be someone he decided to spend anymore time with, platonic or not. And trust me, if that female did it for him that time, she is working on him so she can get at him again. He was/is playing with fire on that and you need to get out while you still have your wits about you.

God closed that door for a reason and He is the only one that can reopen it once He's closed it. If you and this guy are meant to be, it will be on God's terms. Let this guy go for now. Live your life because these are going to be the glory years for you Smile

by Indigo.Blue 6th January 2011, 12:43 pm

Just reread my comment and that is not the tone I meant to relay...even though it did not seem to bother you, I just wanted to apoligize.

The only point I was trying to make is that good relationships are constantly building and repairing.

Good Luck whatever you decide...

by KinkyNappyHappy 9th January 2011, 8:45 am

First just wanted to say that you've been given some great advice. Just wanted to say this...once the trust is broken it's hard to get it back. Trust is the foundation of any relationship.

Do couples recovery from something like this? Yes, but they both work on it, and by you Ex continuing to see this young lady he is disrespecting you, and he's not taking into consideration how this is making you feel.

My older cousin told me this about 10 years ago...We as women have a built in device that can save us from a lot of hurt...it's call our gut instinct. Listen to that and God, and remember God is NOT the author of confusion. If you are confused take a step back and walk away. If it is meant to be it will be!!

Some times you have to let it go to have it all!!

Be Blessed Sweetie!!!

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